The older I get, the more I realize how lucky I was as a child. I had two wonderful parents who loved me and never gave me a moment of doubt about it. Sometimes it seems that makes me an outlier when I hear friends share their painful and conflicted histories with their parents. So I am lucky. Even though they are both gone, I am lucky I have only the loss of missing them, undiluted by unresolved hurt and anger. Still Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are hard days for me. I miss them.
Frankly, it’s been a hard week. Thursday was the anniversary of my great-nephew’s death in a car accident and my heart aches for my niece who not only grieves for her son but carries the guilt of being the driver. On Friday, a friend who has been living with cancer for four years now let us know that she just finished planting her garden and that her “cancer vacation” was over. As she said, “I had felt pretty cocky that this was not my year to die but I don’t feel cocky about anything right now. Cancer is relentless and random and I am a teeny tiny pawn doing what I can.” Meanwhile, another niece is cadaverously thin with a thin layer of fuzz on her head as she struggles with some rare variant of breast cancer and is so very grateful that she lived to June to see her son graduate. She had always struggled with her weight and jokes that cancer is the most effective diet she’s ever done. Because that is who she is, someone who simply keeps waving her flag high.
Meanwhile, for Fashion For Life, I am reviewing hundreds of blog entries as they feed into the Fashion For Life blog. So many people sharing their own stories of going through cancer themselves, losing family to cancer, and over and over and over – that indomitable spirit that I am beginning to suspect is what makes us human comes through. A relentless ability to see optimism and hope and goodness – even when the outlook is grim. An ability to appreciate and value the small mercies like seeing a graduation or planting a garden.
We all know what really matters. Love, family, friends and how we treat each other. So why do we spend so much emotion and energy on trivial, meaningless things? I don’t know. Maybe what really matters is so deeply felt and so urgent that it is easier, less risky and less painful to focus on ephemera. Perhaps because we cannot change the big things, we look for things we can change, seeking control and order in a random universe. I don’t know. I just know we all do it. I certainly do, but weeks like this one concentrate the mind – at least for the moment. So what am I going to do about it? I am going to call my family and tell them I love them.
Store info at Blogging Second Life
Skin: EnvyMe ::EM:: Emma Skin NAtural @FFL
Tattoos: Body Canvas Hot Flash Lowerback Tattoo @FFL
Eyes: [UMEBOSHI] Eon eyes Duo Green (med)
Mani/Pedi: SLink Mesh Hands & Feet
with ZOZ mani applier @FFL
Hair: .:EMO-tions:. * SUSANNAH * @FFL
Clothing: KL Couture KL_Jaipur @FFL
Shoes: *LACUNA* Santorini Flats (Slink) – Samba @FFL
Jewelry: .:JUMO:. Czarite 2 Set – Red (coming soon)
Location: FFL Parade