Cajsa and I were almost homeless this week. There was a snafu, an oooops, one of those timing issues where something goes wrong and now you don’t have a place to live. Sometimes those are easily corrected. We got lucky – the land was ours again, we are once again neighbors on our tiny islets of joy.

But it put me into reflection about where I am in this place between second and first life. There is no doubt that my Second Life doesn’t hold the sway over me it once did. I’d no longer call it an addiction. I miss the people I loved here, and wonder what’s become of the ones I fear are dead. I regret the missteps that lost me friends, and the missteps that made me believe the wrong people were friends and loved ones.

Being homeless, even for a day though, called me to question “Should I still be here?”

I entertained the thought that if we couldn’t get our land back, maybe I’d just be done. Stop blogging. Log in on the random, slip away, who knows what I’d do. I knew Cajsa would understand if that was what I wanted. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t feel like YES I AM DONE. But I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of this place any more. I wasn’t sure I still belonged here.

I mean – I just posted a pictured that has the words “textures discarded due to insufficient memory” and didn’t notice till I was almost done with this post. Ok. What the hell is wrong with me? Ennui?

I realized the answer, however, when Cajsa shot back a message “Ok, it’s ours again – all taken care of” – and I felt RELIEF.

I’m not done. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I’m here. But I know I want to be and maybe that’s what I needed to learn. I lost people I thought were un-lose-able, I learned things I didn’t want to learn here. But most of all I learned that there’s a place where I can play pretend as a grown up, have fun, and enjoy beauty all around me in whatever form I want.

I like having it in my life. I’m glad it’s still here.

But word of advice, if an SLer ever says “I will always love you no matter what” that’s really just code for “Some day I will treat you like complete shit and destroy you. But hey I’ll love you it’s cool because I love you.”

At least I can count on the beautiful things – eh?

Shot on location at Amatorum if you don’t belong you should. It’s a beautiful place to shoot!

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