I am, in general, an overly emotional person. I can assign meaning to things that have none to the one rendering the action. Hurts hit me and don’t fade with time. I hold grudges. Except that over the past few months I’ve had a realization, I stopped caring about them.
I realized it when I was talking to blogger Sam Laszlo on plurk, and I said something like, “I think you don’t like me, or I don’t like you – I can’t remember which.” We ran into each other at the blogger preview for Arcade and he asked me if we were still at war, at which point we added each other to our friends list and laughed.
I came to SL for a place to relax and get away from the hectic RL and somehow it took on a life of it’s own and has had so much drama it should be a show. I somehow ended up with actual enemies, something I can’t fathom having in real life. Who the hell has enemies? Is this Sherwood Forest? Should I be afraid of the Sheriff too?
I wandered through considerations of mending fences, trying to build bridges over the past couple of weeks. I realized that statements which were flung in rages in the past no longer sting, and ugly actions and behaviors I’ve both done and have been done to me seem like old wives tales. I’ve stopped caring. So as I considered that maybe I should try to sue for peace – reach out to so called enemies and see if we can’t reach detente or a level of civility I learned that some people really just don’t want it. Whether it’s publishing their block list with derisive comments, or simply making shitty statements regarding me – I thought better of it. I thought back across words sent across the world to hurt me, “You are no longer welcome in my life.” and realized that although I no longer read through and feel betrayal and sadness, That’s when it hit me though.
My considerations of peace, and harmony were my own. It’s no more appropriate for me to expect harmony out of others than it is for me to actively hurt them. My need for this resolution, is hubris in a way. I want to be a better person and so my mind said “Make up with them, say you were wrong, show them you’re a better person now.” But in fact that’s just a different channel on the drama programming network. That’s the “Look at us we made up aren’t we awesome” channel. We’ve seen it time in and time out, you can do blog posts together to prove it. That works – right?
So I decided instead just to let it rest. This post is I suppose my testament to trying to be different or better, but it’s not about those I’ve fallen out with, rather, it’s about me trying to do it differently going forward.
My apology to those I was shitty to in some way or another has been heard by the universe. But just in case I have a few I’d like to put here:
- I’m sorry I thought you were being shitty to Cajsa in a private. It seemed that way to me at the time. I should’ve talked to you about it, and I was an asshole. So I’m sorry about that. I really am.
- I’m sorry I laughed about Bax Coen shoes. Not exactly sure why that was worth ending a friendship of years, but I’m sorry because obviously it was really important to you, and for that I’m sorry. I definitely didn’t mean to insult you or upset you that much.
- I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you delete me I still don’t know what it is. But I hope you and your son are well, and I do think of you fondly in my memory. I miss your adventures with musicians.
- I’m sorry I deleted you because of you who partnered. I always rather adored you and still do. There’s a lot of baggage there for me and I didn’t handle it well. I’m sorry.
- I’m sorry I laughed when your friend was being an overemotional, dramatic, nutball. I say this as an overemotional, dramatic, nutball myself, so it’s not meant as an insult although I realize it comes off that way. I realize other people were meangirling her, however, and I shouldn’t have laughed. EVEN IF IT WAS FUNNY AND DUDE IT WAS A LITTLE FUNNY , but yeah, it was shitty of me because I considered her a friend too and so I’m just sorry for all that.
- I’m sorry I got so angry with you for questioning my honesty when my friend was dying. It was a terrible emotional time, and I do understand your reasons for having questions about it all, given SL being what it is. I was hurt because I felt like you were questioning ME. I thought you knew me better than that.
- I’m sorry I didn’t say something supportive when something happened that you told Cajsa upset you that I didn’t comment on and that’s why you deleted me. That actually doesn’t make any sense to me, but I’m going to apologize anyway because we were pretty good friends and apparently it was a dick move on my part. I’d change it if I actually understood what I’d done, if I could.
- I’m sorry I deleted you in a rage because above person deleted me. Her other friends deleted me, so I added you to the bag. That was shitty of me. Sorry.
And with that, I’m going to head out into the world. If you find your apology and would like to talk, you know I’m know amenable. If you find your apology and would not like to talk, then I wish you very well. Go in peace.
As for me, I’m going to be kinder but less of a doormat. I’m going to listen more and share more. I’m going to trust more and give more.
And my SL is going to be what I expect of it, and nothing less. You’re all welcome to come along with me.
Gidge Is Wearing:
Lips: -Belleza- Mae TLC Fair Matte 3
Lashes: Amacci – Eyelash Tattoo 6
Eyeshadow: Wicked Peach – Moonlight – 3
Ring: (Yummy) Birthstone Ring – October – Opal (Blogger Copy)
Body: -Belleza- Venus V 0.02
Hair: .ploom. Cora /unrigged/ – Ploomage
Boots: baiastice_Gill Stretch Boots-Cotton Grey-LEFT- S
Baiastice_Gill Stretch Boots-Cotton Grey-RIGHT- S THE ARCADE
Pants: Baiastice_Hill Trousers-silver-size M COLLABOR88
Sweater: Baiastice_Stef Sweater-charcoal-size M COLLABOR88
Bag: Noodles – Meg Satchel Grey Previous ARCADE Round
[gi inc] Auto Focus 2.1
Gidge ~Savoir Faire Shapes~ KNEE ADJ MESH HEAD ADJ
Skin: – Mae TLC Fair 1 Bl
Eyes: IKON Eternal Eyes – Iris (S)